Lincoln is Dumb
by MrTyeDye
Summary: When Lincoln throws a massive hissy fit and runs away from home, it's up to his family to figure out why he's acting like such an insufferable little snot. A tale of heartbreak, betrayal and fun facts about Kyrgyzstan.
1. The Angst Begins

Lincoln ambled down the stairs and through the dining room with his hands in his pockets and a contented smile on his face, intent on fixing himself something for lunch. From his laid back posture and his relatively pleasant expression, you would probably guess that he was pretty happy living in the Loud House.

But you would be wrong.

For beneath that faux-cheerful exterior was a raging maelstrom of angst, bitterness and outright hatred, built up from years of mistreatment at the hands of his ten careless, awful sisters. Sure, he got along better with some of them than others, but what they all had in common was a feeling of thinly veiled disdain and contempt for their only brother. Occasionally, they'd try to mask that disdain by doing nice things for him, like telling him he's perfect the way he is, or buying him a cereal that he really wanted, or writing, choreographing and performing a rock song about how awesome he is and convincing his favorite rock band to join in.

Lincoln wasn't fooled, though. He could see right through them like they were bathing in Windex, as the quintessential songwriter of our time would put it. Deep down, all ten of them were Tumblr feminazis who were going to cut his dick off and sacrifice it to Valerie Solanas at the earliest opportunity, and he knew that to be true because of the time they got in a fight and stole his blanket or something.

All he needed was one slight, one trigger, one spark to set off the powderkeg of indignation resting inside him, and he would explode. In fact, that's exactly what was going to happen to him in just a moment.

You see, when he opened the refrigerator door, he expected to see a delicious sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich that he had been saving for himself for the past few days. Instead, he was aghast to see an empty space where the sandwich once was.

He slammed the fridge door shut and darted his eyes across the room, in search of any pernicious sister who could have absconded with his culinary delight. Lo and behold, there was Lori, the worst of the lot, with a plate covered in crumbs and teriyaki sauce on the table in front of her.

Lincoln's reaction was instantaneous. His face turned from a pale peach to a raging crimson, his teeth started gnashing together, and geysers of steam came gushing out of his ears and nostrils, emitting a whistle comparable to that of a locomotive. Lori, more than a little perturbed by his reaction, decided to ask him what the problem was...

...which proved to be an unwise decision, since as soon as she opened her mouth, Lincoln went off.

 **"LORI, YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU ATE MY FUCKING SANDWICH, YOU CUM-GUZZLING SLUT!"**

This got the attention of some of the other family members - Lynn Sr., Lucy and Lola, to be exact - who all stopped what they were doing and ran down to the kitchen to see what was the matter. Lori, again, tried to respond to Lincoln, and was once again cut off when Lincoln jumped onto the table and started hooting and screeching like a baboon with rabies.

"This is why I hate living with you, you cock monger! All you ever do is shit on me like I'm a toilet at Taco Bell!"

"Lincoln, enough!" cried Lori, who was already starting to grow tired of Lincoln's screeching. "Look, I'm sorry I ate your sandwich, okay? I didn't know it was yours."

"Oh, bullshit, you dick jockey! Who else in this family eats sweet onion chicken teriyaki?!"

"Wha... _everyone_! It's the best sandwich anyone's ever tasted!"

This, predictably, didn't placate Lincoln one bit (though he did agree that there has never been a sandwich as delicious) and the rest of the family was too stunned to reply, so Lori decided to try a different tactic.

"Look, if it means that much to you, I'll give you ten dollars so you can buy yourself another sandwich. I'll even let you keep the change."

"Oh, really, Lori?" snapped Lincoln. "Ten dollars, huh? Will ten dollars be enough to pay the hospital to fix my soul after you _tore it out and raped it_?!"

Lori, completely flummoxed by this line of questioning, could only respond with a prolonged, "Ummmm..."

"The answer is no, Lori! No, it fucking won't!"

It was then that Lynn Sr. finally decided to get off his ass and act like a parent for once in his godforsaken life. "Lincoln Loud!" he said sharply, cutting through the crowd and staring him down as he marched into the kitchen. "That kind of language will not be tolerated in this house!"

"Then I'll leave!" he shouted. "I'm sick of living with Slutty McSlutSlut and her nine evil henchwomen anyway!"

He then stomped his way out of the kitchen, shoving past his flabbergasted sisters and parents as he stormed into the living room. As he neared the front door, one sister decided to try to coax him to stay. This would prove to be the worst mistake she ever made.

"Lincoln!" Lola cried out, chasing him across the room. "I-"

 **"LOOOOOOOOLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"**

Lincoln whirled around 180 degrees and roared his little sister's name with all the ferocity of a wrathful god. As he roared, the entire house started rattling so violently it threatened to break free from its foundation, while the lights flickered on and off and bolts of lightning rained down from the ceiling. Lincoln then tore off his shirt, and his entire body started erupting with muscles. Bigger and bigger he grew, sprouting three-inch thick pecs and cannonball-sized shoulders as his stomach solidified into a diamond-hard eight-pack. He then flexed his biceps, which exploded into bowling ball-sized boulders. One of them displayed an animated tattoo of Lola being run over by a freight train, and then hanged, and then shot at repeatedly with grenade launchers. Lola got the feeling that it was a pretty good time to run, and tried to make a break for it.

But it was too late. Before she could take one step, Lincoln hammered her in the head with his powerful fists, again and again and again. His punches gradually picked up speed until they were being thrown at the speed of an average minigun, all while the deafening cracks of Lola's bones being pulverized echoed throughout the house. Eventually, the punches slowed to a stop, and by that time, Lola was reduced to a bloody, amorphous pile of mush on the carpet.

Lincoln let out a sigh of exhaustion and shrank back to his normal, non-ripped size. "Now, if you'll excuse me," he said as he walked back towards the front door, "I'm going to leave you all behind and buy a one-way ticket to Kyrgyzstan. Auf wiedersehen."

"Lincoln, wait," said Lucy, without even bothering to raise her voice past its normal level. Sadly, her desperate plea went unheeded, as Lincoln stomped out of the house in a huff and slammed the door behind him.

Lincoln, being the shrewd planner that he was, chose the Central Asian republic of Kyrgyzstan as his new home for one reason; his family would never be able to track him down. He reasoned that there was no way for them to find a country that they couldn't even spell. Unfortunately, he failed to account for Lisa, who _could_ spell Kyrgyzstan since she's a scientist and being a scientist means knowing absolutely everything ever.

But I digress.

The family members present were left in awed silence, as they took a moment to contemplate why Lincoln decided to throw that massive temper tantrum and how they would ever get by without the melodious sound of his kvetching echoing throughout the halls of the house.

While all that was happening, Lana bounded downstairs, as the commotion got her attention. As soon as she reached the living room, she was met with the horrifying, nauseating sight of her twin's bloody, pulsating remains oozing all over the floor. Mortified, she opened her mouth and screamed...

"MOOOOMMM! LOLA'S MESSING UP THE CARPET!"

* * *

 **ATUHOR'S NOSE: Wow, this was a long time coming, am I right? I'm so glad I'm finally getting this out of my system. I mean, Lincoln's sisters are all a bunch of stuck-up harpies and they deserve to get punished for it! Except Luna, of course.**

 **Oh, and I _loved_ writing that last scene with Lola. It made me so giddy inside to imagine her getting brutalized, and shame on you if you think that's even a little creepy or psychotic. Also, fav and follow if you think that Bobby should totally dump Lori and hook up with Luna instead!**


	2. Rabble Rabble Rabble

After running away from the house, Lincoln went straight to the airport to purchase a ticket to Kyrgyzstan. Given the fact that he was an unaccompanied minor trying to fly without a passport, you'd naturally think that he would have some trouble obtaining a ticket.

And once again, you would be wrong. You're 0 for 2 so far. Step it up a little.

As it turned out, the airport staff were so touched and heartbroken by Lincoln's sob story about his demonic sisters that they gave him a free first-class ticket to Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan. As soon as he boarded, the whole plane stood up and applauded him for his courage and righteous duderonomy.

But we'll come back to him later. For now, let's go back to the Loud house.

By now, Lola had made a complete recovery from her beating at Lincoln's hands, because this is a cartoon and that's how they roll. That didn't mean she was able to escape punishment, however; for provoking Lincoln and messing up the carpet, she was sent straight to her room and had her food privileges suspended for a week.

As for the rest of the sisters, their reactions to Lincoln's departure varied. The sister most visibly affected by it was Lucy, who was seen crouched in the corner shedding tears of blood while stabbing herself repeatedly with a butcher knife and screaming, "I CLOGGED THE TOILET! I CLOGGED THE TOILET!"

Others were left in similar states of despair. Leni, with tears running down her face (regular tears, that is, not blood-tears), was frantically trying to call the police in the hopes that they could catch Lincoln before he got on the plane. Unfortunately, she kept forgetting what she was calling them for right after she dialed, and when asked, she told the authorities that she wanted McNuggets. Her request went unfulfilled. Luan, done up in sad clown makeup, was performing a full length a capella version of _Pagliacci_ because she's physically incapable of doing anything that's not at least tangentially related to her hobby. Lana had retreated back to her room to cry and berate Lola for being such a filthy little harlot. Lisa was using her laptop to try to track Lincoln's location, pausing every now and then to bawl at the top of her lungs and remind the house that she's not usually a fan of human emotions or whatever. And finally, Lily was crying, as babies were wont to do.

But Lynn, compared to the rest of the family, was unmoved by Lincoln's rash decision to ragequit the family. She could be found reclining on the family couch with her feet on the coffee table, smirking and drinking a tall, refreshing glass of Pepsi. "Hey, when that fudgepacking little twink bitch comes back, tell him I want a foot massage," she sneered. "And also tell him that I'll beat the shit out of him if he doesn't come to my next football game."

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ABOUT LINCOLN THAT WAY!" shrieked Lucy, as she continued to stab herself. "HE DIED FOR YOUR SINS! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL! HELLLLLLLL!"

While all this was going on, Lori drifted around the living room from sister to sister, trying to use her authority to calm them down. Sadly, her cries of, "Self-mutilation isn't going to bring him back," "I'm sure if we put our heads together we can figure out why he's been acting like this," and, "Lynn, you're not helping" fell on deaf ears.

But there was another person they _would_ listen to. A raspy roar of, "QUIET!" rang out from the top of the stairwell, causing everyone else in the house to clam up. Down from the second floor came the wise, honorable Luna Loud, who greeted every single one of her sisters with a scolding glare.

Honestly, the other sisters were a bit surprised that Luna hadn't shown herself sooner; it was common knowledge that she loved Lincoln more than any of them. She was recognized not only as Lincoln's closest sister, but also as his best friend, his mentor, his guardian, his guardian angel, his wingman and his senpai. For you see, months prior, she took him to a SMOOCH concert and did everything in her power to make it one of the best nights of his life. This set her apart from the other sisters, who never shared a single heartwarming moment with Lincoln ever.

"All of you should be ashamed of yourselves!" she boomed. "Lincoln does nothing but sacrifice his joy for you and make your lives extraordinary, and all you do in return is... is..."

She jabbed an accusatory finger at Lori. "... _eat his sandwiches_!"

Lori flinched at the venom in Luna's voice. "It was just a sandwich!" she cried. "And I don't think this is even _about_ the sandwich. There's clearly a bigger underlying issue here."

"Oh, you've got that right," Luna growled. "That issue is _your_ constant, unrelenting reign of _bitch_ over him!...And Lola's and Lynn's, I guess, but mostly yours! You eat his sandwiches, tease him, threaten to beat him up, and worst of all, _you call him a twerrrrrrrrrrrrp!"_

Everyone in the room cringed at her deliver of that last word, which was roared like a death metal vocalist doing an imitation of the MGM lion.

"Okay, I'll admit that I pick on him every now and then," said Lori, "but I think you're being a _little_ unfair, Luna."

"As if!" snapped Luna. "I don't think you've ever done a single nice thing for him in your life!"

"What about the time I bought him that cereal he really wanted?"

"That doesn't count."

"What about the time I gave him all those freebies at Gus's Games 'n Grub?"

"Neither does that."

"What about the time I gave him his first taste of ice cream when he was a baby?"

"Neither does that."

"Okay, then enlighten me," said Lori, folding her arms. "What _does_ count as being nice to Lincoln?"

"Taking him to a rock concert starring his favorite band on June 6, 2016," Luna said matter-of-factly. "Have you ever done _that_ , Lori?"

"Well, no-"

Lori was cut off when Luna stomped up to her and gave her a hard slap across the face. "Point proven, dude! You're a rotten, bitter little cunt who doesn't deserve a little brother as awesome as Lincoln!"

Lori snarled at her, clutching her aching cheek. "W-well, what about _you_?!" she cried. "Don't act like you've never done anything bad to him. Remember the Sharon DeMonet incident? I heard you blast him out of your room with your amp!"

In retrospect, it wasn't a great example of Luna's misbehavior - after all, they were all guilty of acting violently towards each other in search of the money, and none of them targeted Lincoln exclusively - but it was the best that Lori could come up with off the top of her head.

Unfortunately, Luna had a retort prepared - a rather unusual one, at that. She stripped off her shirt, tossed it over the couch, and did an about-face, giving Lori a perfect view of her bare back. To her shock, Luna's back was covered from top to bottom with long, deep, criss-crossed scars.

"See _this_?" she seethed, pointing to one of the scars across her lats. "This is the scar I left when I _punished_ myself that night for blasting him. One hundred and twenty lashes. I counted."

Lori had to suppress her urge to gag at such a grisly sight. "Luna, you _really_ shouldn't be doing that. It's not healthy."

Luna snorted. "Yeah, you _would_ say that, you demented slut. But unlike you, I believe in making sacrifices for my little brother."

"Not like _that_!" cried Lori. "How does that even help him?! You think he _wants_ you to whip yourself every time you do something wrong?!"

"He works in mysterious ways!" cried Luna. "You'd know that if you loved him like I do!"

"Bitch, I heard enough out of both of you! Lincoln left 'cause he was sick of livin' with two skanky triflin' hos who don't know how to shut the fuck up for more than five seconds at a time! Y'all motherfuckers better get your shit together and find a way to get Lincoln to stop trippin' before I drag both of you out of this house by your dirty-ass weaves!"

...said Lily.

Both Lori and Luna realized that the inexplicably lucid infant was right, so the two of them gathered around Lisa's laptop, waiting for her to pinpoint Lincoln's location. They were soon joined by the rest of the sisters, aside from Lola, who was grounded to her room, and Lynn, who was busy improvising a song about Lincoln and Clyde engaging in biblically unspeakable acts.

If you're wondering where the parents were during all this, they had used up all of their energy for the day by grounding Lola, and were now treating themselves to a well-deserved extended nap. But rest assured, they'd be up as soon as there was a sister in need of some punishment (probably Lola).


	3. Top Bishkek

Eventually, the Louds were able to track Lincoln's location - Bishkek. Once Rita and Lynn Sr. woke up from their nap, they decided that Rita and Luna should fly over to try and coax Lincoln back. Luna was chosen for obvious reasons, while Rita accompanied her to keep her from having a complete meltdown on the plane. Lynn Sr. would man the house in their absence. And by "man the house", I mean "head down to the basement to play Fortnite while Lori does all the work trying to keep her siblings in check".

As expected, Luna did break down crying on the plane ride over. Rita consoled her with the assurance that even if they failed, she would treat her to a large, steaming plate of besh barmak, a Kyrgyz dish consisting of shaved lamb served on a bed of noodles and onions.

Once they landed in Bishkek, Rita took notice of the architecture's striking resemblance to that of Russia, doubtlessly a result of the years spent under the control of the Soviet Union. Lisa's tracking device lead them to a humble village house, populated by a large but close-knit family. As it turned out, this was the new home the Lincoln had chosen to call his own; he had no trouble convincing the family to let him stay with them for a while, as Kyrgyzstani people are famous for their hospitality.

After telling Luna to stand back and let her lead the charge, Rita took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Lincoln answered it with a bright smile, which promptly vanished as soon as he saw who had knocked.

"Oh, it's _you_ ," he said acidly. "How did you even find me?"

"Lisa's tracking chip," said Rita. "But Lincoln, sweetie, I came here to tell you to come home. Your sisters miss you very much."

"Bullshit!" spat Lincoln. "They're all a bunch of skanky, dirty sluts. All they do is bully me and tease me and finger me while I'm asleep."

Rita folded her arms. "You're telling me that you see _all_ of your sisters as skanky, dirty sluts?"

"Yep."

"Including Lily?"

" _Especially_ Lily!" cried Lincoln. "She lets every other boy in daycare go to town on her. The only one in the house who's a bigger cock gobbler than Lily is _**Lori**_."

The name of the eldest Loud sister was spoken with enough bile to dissolve a houseboat. "Lori's the **worst**. All she ever does is pick on me and call me a twerp. She doesn't even flagellate herself afterward."

"Lincoln, I know Lori may be abrasive at times, but she _does_ love you deep down."

"Does not!" spat Lincoln. "The only things she loves are her dumb boyfriend and her extensive dildo collection. And she drinks horse cum."

Rita groaned, massaging her temples. "Lincoln, your sister Lori does not drink horse cum."

"Yuh-huh! She drinks it for breakfast, lunch and dinner!"

"Lincoln..."

"She drinks it straight from the horse, too! Glug glug glug-"

Rita, having had quite enough of Lincoln's slandering, gave him a light slap on the cheek, which stopped him cold. Rita was about to speak again, until she noticed that her slap seemed to have knocked something loose in his brain. All he could do was stare up at her, his jaw gaping open and his eyes frozen in catatonic shock.

"You... you..." he croaked, beginning to tremble. As the seconds ticked by, his trembling grew stronger and stronger, and tears started to well up in his eyes. Rita hadn't expected him to be that sensitive to violence, given the fact that he had just reduced Lola to a bloody stain on the carpet hours prior.

But in his mind, there was a key difference between those two acts of violence. What he did to Lola was justice. What Rita just did to him was...

"CHILD ABUSE!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face. "YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE, YOU SNAKY TRAMP! I'M GONNA CALL THE CPS ON ALL Y'ALL NIGGAS!"

Rita sighed, knowing that she had done everything she could to keep him from throwing yet another tantrum. She called for Luna, who had been hiding in the bushes up until this point.

"Luna? Tag in."

Right on cue, Luna sprung out in front of Lincoln and landed at his feet, groveling and bawling her eyes out.

"YOU'VE GOTTA COME BACK, LINC!" she wailed. "My life is meaningless without you! MEANINGLESS! I'LL **DIE** WITHOUT YOU!"

Lincoln wiped his eyes dry and regained his composure as he gazed down at his hysterical sister. "Luna, you may be my closest sister, but the answer is no. I'm not living with skanks like Whori and Hoe-La anymore."

"PLEASE!" she cried. "I NEED YOU BACK! I'LL DO ANYTHING! I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK!"

Lincoln responding by lifting up his foot and kicking her hard in the chin, sending her sprawling out over the yard. As she lied on the ground, her heart started beating faster, and a quivering smile spread across her face. As she saw it, Lincoln could have easily aimed for her throat, but such a blow would be life-threatening; so instead, he targeted her chin, showing a sense of mercy and forgiveness befitting the most virtuous saints in human history.

"You... you _do_ love me," she choked out, now crying tears of joy instead of sorrow.

"Yeah, sure, I guess," said Lincoln. "But I'm still not moving back. Bite me."

Rita, forced to admit defeat, slumped away from the house, dragging Luna on the ground behind her. The only consolation she received (other than the delicious besh barmak) was a text from Lynn Sr. telling her that things weren't going any better at home. He hated to interrupt his Fortnite run, but he felt obligated to give his wife a status update.

By his account, the other sisters were gathered in the living room, playing "Baby Come Back" by Player on loop and bawling along to it at the top of their lungs - sans Lori, who decided to hole herself up in her room until they stopped, and Lynn Jr., who was in her own room slamming the clam to _A Serbian Film_. Lola was technically still grounded, but Lynn Sr. was too busy getting his Fortnite on to enforce it, so she had no trouble joining in on the singing.

The whole affair was briefly interrupted by Albert, who stopped by just so he could kick Lynn Sr. in the nuts. He was disappointed to see that his daughter Rita wasn't home, but he assured his son-in-law that Rita would be getting a cunt punt the next time he saw her.


	4. Incoming Ship

Rita and Luna returned to the house to find that things hadn't gotten any better. When they walked in the door, they found that most of the family was still congregated in the living room - save Lynn Sr. (who was downstairs recuperating from having his nutsack crushed), Lola (who was sent back up to her room for singing off-key) and Lucy (who was in her room attempting suicide or whatever). The family was still in a state of inconsolable despair, and Lori's attempts to get everyone to calm down were largely unsuccessful.

As soon as they saw Rita and Luna return, the Loud sisters stopped what they were doing and crowded around them, eager to hear them report on their success (or lack thereof).

"What happened?! Did you get him back?! Can everything finally go back to normal?!" Lana asked eagerly.

Rita shook her head and sighed. "He's still not ready," she said. "Not even Luna could convince him to come back."

A split second later, everyone in the room except for Lori and Lynn burst into tears.

"MY LIFE IS OVER!" screamed Leni.

"HE IS THE ONE BRIGHT SPOT IN MY OTHERWISE MEANINGLESS LIFE!" wailed Luan.

"Whatever," sneered Lynn. "That cocksucker is bad luck, anyway. And he doesn't have any talent. The family is better off without him."

That remark incited the ire of Lana, who tackled Lynn full-force and engaged her in a vicious NoDQ wrestling match. At this point, Lori lacked the energy to try to break them up, so she decided to try to address the rest of the room.

"Guys, _enough_. I know you all are upset, but Lincoln can't stay away from us forever. We just have to remind him of all the good times we've had with-"

"GOOD TIMES?!" roared Luna. "After all of the oppression and torture you put him through, you have the audacity to talk about _good times_?!"

Luna had been home for all of two minutes, and Lori was already completely fed up with her. She stomped over to the young rocker, with her fists clenched and nostrils flared, ready to give her a piece of her mind.

"Now, listen here, you-" began Lori, only to be interrupted by her phone going off. A glance at the screen revealed that the call was coming from Bobby. As much as she wanted to tear into Luna, she could never ignore a call from her soulmate under any circumstances.

"Hi, Boo-Boo Bear," she said, answering the phone. "What's up?"

"Don't call me that anymore, you _puta fea_!" shouted Bobby. Lori flinched, nearly dropping her phone in shock.

"W-what?" she cried. "What are you talking about?! What did I do?!"

"You know _exactly_ what you did," said Bobby, the venomous contempt in his voice seeping through the receiver. "I can't be with someone heartless enough to eat her little brother's sandwiches and call him a twerp. We're through."

"Bobby, no!" cried Lori, only to be met with a dial tone. She looked up from her phone and back towards Luna, who had her arms folded across her chest and a smug smile adorning her face.

"Serves you right, you bitch! You don't deserve someone as sweet and kind as Bobby anyway!"

Lori, overcome by a tidal wave of rage and grief, socked Luna in the eye and ran up to her room, intent on spending the rest of the night drowning her sorrows in Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. During that entire exchange, Rita had attempted to break up the fight between Lynn and Lana, and was knocked out cold with a steel chair for her trouble.

Luna: "Finally. Now that we have all of the _bad_ sisters out of the way, let's try to think of a way to bring Lincoln back."

Luan: "Well, we already tried sending you. If you can't convince him to stop hating our guts, who can?"

Leni: "You _are_ Lincoln's closest sister, after all. Maybe we should just try- wait, what's going on?"

Luan: "Yeah, what happened to the narrator? When did this suddenly become a script fic?"

Luna: "I dunno. I guess the author just got tired of putting in dialogue tags and thought that nobody would notice if he stopped."

Luan: "Well, _I_ notice it. Tell him to change it back!"

And so she did, and after a lot of coaxing, the author stopped being a lazy ass and resumed writing the story in traditional prose.

"So, like I was saying before," said Leni, "I don't know what else we can do. There's nobody on the planet who's closer to Lincoln than Luna!"

"Ah, but there is," said Lisa, who found the perfect opportunity to remind everyone that she was still in the room. This got everyone else to jerk their heads towards her, their eyes wide open with shock in response to such an outrageous claim. Lisa, unfazed by the trying eyes of her siblings, plucked a tiny walkie-talkie out of her tiny pocket and pressed down the talk button.

"OT5? Lincoln's in trouble. Your assistance is needed. Assemble at the Loud House posthaste."

She placed the walkie talkie back into her pocket, waiting for them to arrive. As it turned out, she wouldn't have to wait very long, because before the other sisters could open their mouths to ask one of the twenty-plus questions they had, a knock came on the front door. Lisa opened it to find five girls in different colored spandex leotards, striking flamboyant poses while triumphant music played in the background and pyrotechnics went off in the front yard.

These were the five members of the Super Special Awesome OTP Waifu Quintet, or the OT5 for short. These ladies were Lincoln's greatest admirers and closest allies, united by the inexorable bonds they formed with him based on a minute or two of interaction.

In the black leotard was a dour-looking girl with long black hair and a ghostly pale complexion. This was Haiku, one of Lincoln's four dates at the Sadie Hawkins dance. She spent a decent portion of the evening with him before Lincoln decided to ditch the dance and leave her with Clyde instead.

In the blue leotard was a tall, lean blonde girl with bangs that hung down over one of her eyes. This was Nikki, who met Lincoln once during his trip to Ronnie Anne's hometown. They shook hands and talked for a little bit while Ronnie Anne was getting a sausage or whatever.

In the green leotard was another blonde, this one sporting earrings and turquoise highlights in her hair. This was Sam, a classmate of Luna's who probably introduced herself to Lincoln at some point when Luna had her over. Notably, she used to be Luna's crush, until Luna realized that her hooking up with Sam would mean one less girl who could hook up with Lincoln, so she decided to stop pursuing her.

In the yellow leotard was a short, slightly pudgy orange-haired girl. This was Paige, a regular at Gus' Games & Grub, Lincoln's favorite arcade. She never spoke a word to him, but she gave him a thumbs up when she saw him kick ass at air hockey, and she accidentally bumped him with her big phat booty when she was playing Dance Battle and he was trying to get her attention.

In the red leotard was the team's token adult - a voluptuous brunette with curly hair and a pair of sunglasses resting atop her forehead. This was Thiccella Quintanilla Theodora, or Thicc QT for short. She ran into Lincoln in line at a gas station bathroom, and they might have made eye contact for a second or two.

Together, they devoted their lives to keeping Lincoln happy, and provided him with a source of comfort that nobody else could offer. Not even Luna.

"Then why did Lisa wait until now to summon them?" Lana asked - which was presumably directed at me, since nobody else had said a word since she opened the door. "We could have had Lincoln back ages ago!"

"Yes, but we had to get through our mandatory twelve hours of moping first," Lisa replied matter-of-factly, before turning to address the OT5. "And by the way, the five of you need to work on your response time. It was one and a half seconds greater than your usual average."

"Apologies, Ma'am!" said Paige. "You caught me while I was in the shower. But now we're geared up and ready to enhance Lincoln's life!"

"I'm pleased," said Lisa. "Lincoln is currently stationed in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, having decided to run away from home to escape our brutal treatment of him. We need the five of you to convince him to come back."

"Consider it done!" declared Nikki. "OT5, move out!"

With that, the five of them took off towards the airport, leaving a cloud of multicolored dust behind. All the Loud family could do at this point was sit tight and wait for them to come back, hoping that their womanly wiles would help them succeed where Luna failed.


	5. All Aboard the Lincoln Express

A half hour after the OT5 took off, Lori, Lucy and Lola started to creep downstairs - Lori to get herself some more ice cream, Lucy to make sure the readers didn't completely forget about her, and Lola because you can only keep a six-year-old holed up in her room for so long before she tries to sneak out. To their horror, they found Lynn tied to a chair in the middle of the living room, with Luna looming over her with a tire iron and the rest of the siblings circled around them.

"What in the living fuck are you doing?!" cried Lori.

"Interrogating Lynn," said Luna, slapping the tire iron into the palm of her hand.

"Her behavior became too obnoxious for us to endure," said Lisa. "We were unable to take her constant, unending scorn towards Lincoln any longer, so after Lana trounced her in a wrestling match, we took the opportunity to bind her down. Now, we're attempting to force her to confess her motivations for treating Lincoln so brutishly."

"I already told you!" spat Lynn. "It's because he's a worthless little ninety-pound libtard cuck!"

"Quiet, dirtbag!" barked Luna, who smacked Lynn in the face with the tire iron.

"Guys, _guys_ ," said Lori, trying to push herself to the front of the crowd. "I'm not any happier about Lynn's behavior than you are, but I think if we just talk things out, we can-"

"Hey, Lori!" interrupted Lynn. "Are you still butthurt because Bobby won't touch your moldy, bug-filled snatch anymore?"

Lori shot Lynn a vicious glare, as both of her hands balled themselves into fists. "Okay, never mind. Kick her ass."

"With pleasure," growled Luna, who whacked Lynn in the clavicle, creating a sickening crack that rang throughout the living room, followed by a scream of pain. "We're gonna get an answer out of you, Lynn, whether you like it or not. Lincoln's the most likable person in the history of the human race. Why do you keep bullying him?"

"I told you, he's a fucking piece of- GAAAAHHHH!"

Luna brought the tire iron down hard on Lynn's bound left hand, breaking it in several places. "Let's see you play baseball now, jerk!"

"Yeah! Or basketball!" said Lola.

"Shut the fuck up, Lola," snapped Luna. "You want me to make the right one match, Lynn? I suggest you start talking pretty soon."

Lynn glowered up at Luna. Her breathing became more labored as she struggled with the effort of suppressing her pain. "Lick my clit, you Rambo dyke-looking - OOOOWWWWWWWWW!"

Luna slammed Lynn's other hand, leaving it a grotesque, mangled mess. "I'm not playing games, Lynn!" cried Luna. "You tell me why you're such an insufferable cunt to Lincoln or it'll be your knee next!"

"Why do you care so much?!" yelled Lynn. "He doesn't even have any troph- AAAAARRRRGGGGH!"

Lynn regretted her words immediately when Luna shattered her left kneecap, putting her in worse pain than she'd ever been before. Lynn let out an ear-piercing, blood-curdling shriek that made the surrounding sisters cringe.

"I'd choose my next words carefully if I were you, Lynn," said Luna, as Lynn huffed and puffed and writhed in pain. "Otherwise, you'd better think of a sport that you don't need hands or legs to play."

Tears of agony welled up in Lynn's eyes. "Let... me... go... you... bitch," she choked out.

"Not until you tell us the real reason you treat Lincoln like shit," said Luna. "You have until the count of three before I turn you into a cripple for life."

Lynn snarled at Luna, as her tears continued to flow. "I... don't... wanna..."

Luna held up a single finger. "One."

"This... isn't...fair..."

"Two."

"Luna, I swear to God, if you-"

"Three."

But just as Luna raised up the tire iron to deliver one last blow, Lynn screamed out an answer that shook the foundation of the house.

"IT'S BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK HIM, ALL RIGHT?!"

What followed was the most uncomfortable twenty seconds of silence anyone in the family had ever experienced. Lynn's outburst had put all of her siblings into a state of catatonic shock - aside from Luna, who now bore a grin of smug self-satisfaction.

"I do!" cried Lynn, once she found the wherewithal to speak again. "Every single night, all I can think about is how much I want him to murder my vagina with his equestrian cock! I... I..."

Streams of tears and mucus fell like waterfalls from her eyes and nose. "...I thought if I treated him like shit, my desire would go away. It never did."

Luna just chuckled, shaking her head. "About time you fessed up to it," she said. "Lynn, there's something you've gotta understand."

As she looked down into Lynn's eyes, her smug grin melted into an empathetic frown. "You're not alone," she said. "We _all_ want to fuck Lincoln. We just have to learn to accept that we're not going to get our turn."

"Gosh, is that because incest is depraved and reprehensible?" Lori asked with a roll of her eyes.

"No, silly," said Luna. "It's because he's taken by his multiple side chicks. Between Christina, Mollie, Girl Jordan, and of course the OT5, he's never going to have time to fuck us."

"Not to mention Ronnie Anne," Lynn said with a sigh.

Luna gave Lynn a confused look. "Ronnie who?"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Kyrgyzstan, the OT5 had just arrived at Lincoln's doorstep.

"Do you think we can convince Lincoln to come back?" asked Sam.

"If we can't, no one can," said Haiku, ringing the doorbell.

Lincoln answered the door, and gave the five girls a stoked grin as soon as he caught sight of them.

"Oh, hi, girls! Boy, am I glad to see you. Come on in; the family I moved in with is totally cool with letting random strangers in."

Sure enough, as he walked the OT5 into the den, the Kyrgyz parents and children greeted them with a brief wave and then went back to their own business.

"So what brings you here?" asked Lincoln.

"There's something we need to discuss with you, Lincoln," said Paige, as she and the others seated themselves in a circle on the floor. "Come, join us."

Lincoln's smile shrank a little as he took a seat between Thicc QT and Sam. "Um, sure. What's this about?"

"It's about your sisters," said Haiku.

And just like that, Lincoln's smile completely disappeared, leaving a bitter frown in its place. "Are you serious?!" he cried. "I thought I made it clear that I was done with those cunts!"

"We know, we know," said Paige, soothing Lincoln with the melodious sound of her voice. "But your sisters miss you. Really, they do."

"The hell they do!" snapped Lincoln. "They only want me back so they can bully, abuse and oppress me some more. They're nothing but a bunch of heartless gold-digging gutterskanks. I hope they all fucking die."

Thicc QT scooted closer to Lincoln and started rubbing his back. "Lincoln, you know that's not true."

"It _is_ true! Just last week Lynn gave me a dutch oven."

The OT5 all gasped and recoiled, as they were unprepared to hear Lincoln drop such a bombshell early on in the conversation. They knew that Lincoln had been mistreated, but an act so cruel was beyond their wildest expectations. "Lincoln, I-I had no idea your home life was that bad," said Sam, her voice breaking. "But that's no reason to forsake all of them. There must be _someone_ in that house you can depend on."

She leaned closer towards Lincoln, gazing into his jaded, bitter eyes. "Think, Lincoln. Isn't there anyone in the house who you _don't_ see as irredeemable?"

Lincoln stared off into space, giving himself a moment to mull over Sam's question. "Welllll... there _is_ one person."

"Who's that?" asked Haiku.

"Luna. She's wild, rambunctious, and her life is totally devoted to music. But she only plays and listens to _real_ music, not garbage like Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne. She's also the only sister who has ever done anything nice for me. Not too long ago, she took me to a SMOOCH concert and made it one of the best nights of my life. Sometimes she gives me dirty looks when I do something bad, so she's not perfect, but she's the closest thing I have to a real sister."

Nikki suddenly snapped her head up. "Wha?...Sorry, I totally spaced out there. Could you repeat that?"

"Gladly," said Lincoln. "Luna. She's wild, rambunctious, and her life is totally devoted to music. But she only plays and listens to _real_ music, not garbage like Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne. She's also the only sister who has ever done anything nice for me. Not too long ago, she took me to a SMOOCH concert and made it one of the best nights of my life. Sometimes she gives me dirty looks when I do something bad, so she's not perfect, but she's the closest thing I have to a real sister."

The OT5 all nodded sagely, reminiscing about their own wonderful experiences with the nicest Loud sister. Their moment of silence was unbroken for five straight minutes, until Paige decided to speak up.

"Okay, I'm bored. Let's fuck him!"

"Yeah!" the rest of the girls cheered in unison.

And fuck they did. One by one, the righteous members of the OT5 let Lincoln plow them with his glorious swan schlong, while the Kyrgyz family - who had never left the room - watched in amazement. Most mortal men would lack the stamina to go five rounds in a row, but for a sexual virtuoso like Lincoln, it was quite easy.

In fact, he probably could have gone for ten, if not for a sudden epiphany that struck him while he was doing Thicc QT doggystyle. As soon as he came, the events of the past few days flashed before his eyes - blowing up at Lori, moving to Kyrgyzstan, kicking Luna in the chin. (Oh, and doing something bad to Lola, I guess.) By the time he was finished, he was left with a sobering realization:

 _Holy shit. I'm an asshole._


	6. Quick and Dirty Conclusion

Lincoln wandered away from the naked, exhausted girls and went into the other room to put his clothes back on. The entire sequence played out in complete silence, as Lincoln contemplated how he'd ever be able to convince his family to forgive his over-the-top display of douchebaggery.

Just as he was walking out the door, Thicc QT called out to him. "Lincoln, wait! Don't you want to go just one more round?"

Lincoln looked over his shoulder and gave her a faint smile. "No need," he said. "You've done enough for me already. Thank you."

And with that, he exited the house, leaving the five girls with the task of explaining to the Kyrgyz family why their guest decided to just up and leave. And thus, Lincoln learned a valuable lesson that day: when you're estranged from your family, the only remedy is rock-hard pussy.

But that didn't mean the healing process was over. On the plane ride home, Lincoln was plagued with memories of his horrible actions over the past few days. He was sure that it would take weeks, if not months, to even begin to repair the bonds he broke in that short time span. The walk from the airport to his house was, quite possibly, the longest and most difficult walk he would ever take in his life. His guilty conscience weighed heavily on him as he trudged up the driveway, reached the front door, rang the doorbell...

...and was promptly greeted with a cacophonous chorus of excited screams.

"IT'S LINCOLN! LINCOLN'S BACK! GOD BE PRAISED!"

In that moment, all of his anxiety melted away. As soon as he walked in the door, he was surrounded and group hugged by his twelve family members, each of them crying tears of joy.

"Oh, Lincoln, my beautiful boy, we missed you so much!" cried Rita.

"Our lives were empty and meaningless without you!" cried Luan.

"We promise we'll never do anything even remotely objectionable to you ever again!" cried Lisa.

After they released the hug, Rita took him by the hand and lead him into the kitchen, where he found a jumbo-sized blackout cake and a new game system resting on the table.

"It's all for you," said Lynn Sr. "I know it doesn't fully make up for all the horrible things we've done to you over the years, but it's a start, isn't it?"

Lincoln Loud just shrugged and started digging in, without even bothering to say "thank you". For you see, Lincoln had learned a second lesson that day: when you're Lincoln Loud, the rules of common decency don't apply to you.

"And Lincoln?" said Lola. "I'm sorry for being such a raging dumpster fire. I deserved everything I got."

Lincoln just laughed and ruffled Lola's hair. "You sure did, Lola. You sure did."

Lori was tempted to speak up, but decided to keep her mouth shut. She didn't want to risk another perceived slight driving Lincoln back to central Asia, especially since Bobby had just texted her saying that he was ready to get back together with her.

That didn't mean their celebration would proceed without any interruptions, however. Just before Lincoln finished his cake, there was a sharp knock at the door. Curious, Rita excused herself from the room and took it upon herself to answer the door. When she opened up, she saw a stone-faced policeman standing just outside. After a brief, uncomfortable silence, the policeman spoke:

"Did somebody here ask for McNuggets?"

 _ **THE END**_


End file.
